Milestones

Things have been quite exciting since my last post!  I finally understand why there are many people "addicted" to shopping...let me explain.  I have never liked shopping for clothing.  Shopping was an exercise in futility and I absolutely shopped out of necessity.  I really had no understanding of my girlfriends who loved looking at clothes and shoes or why they enjoyed trying things on for hours.  I loathed shopping because for me the things to choose from were VERY limited.  I was confined to shopping in plus size stores and I had gotten to the point where I couldn't even shop in the more fashionable plus size stores because the way I am proportioned I could never find tops that would fit comfortably over my large arms. I could only shop at Catherine's for tops. Why window shop and look at the latest fashions when I couldn't wear them?  I am happy to say that my outlook has changed!

I have lost 50.2lbs to date and it was getting to the point that my clothes were hanging off of me because they were too big.  I kept procrastinating about going clothes shopping and after exploring why I was hesitating I realized that I was fearful of what my experience would be.  I know that sounds silly, but you have to remember that shopping was NEVER fun for me and was always a chore.  I would be frustrated and hot trying on item after item that did not fit.  I would often take 10 items into the dressing room and come out with nothing...talk about depressing!!  Well, I sucked it up and went shopping by myself and boy oh boy did I have a blast!!  I was sore for 2 days after my shopping trip as I shopped for almost 4 hours!

I was happy to discover that I had dropped from a size 26/28 in jeans to a size 22 and from a 4x in yoga style pants to a 1x!!  I dropped from a 5x in a zip up jacket to a 1x jacket and I can now wear 2x and 1x tops where I used to wear a 4x to fit across my bust and around my arms.  I actually thought something was wrong with the original pair of yoga pants I was trying on because I couldn't fathom dropping to a 1x, which I have actually never worn because I skipped from wearing regular sizes to a 2x in my last year of high school.  Well, once I realized that I could fit these new sizes I started crying in the dressing room.  My brain went crazy and I started thinking of all of the places I could now shop for clothes (can you say...shopping addict in the making, LOL).  I left Catherine's Plus Size store and went to Target where I recalled that last summer I tried to buy a 4x top from there and I couldn't even get it over my head.  I am happy to say that I left Target with 3 new tops and 2 new pair of capris!!  I have since been to so many other stores it isn't even funny.  This shopping experience was a major positive milestone for me, MAJOR!!

My other wonderful experience and milestone was when I reached 50lbs lost as of today.  I have lost 50lbs before and I obviously gained it back or else I wouldn't be here having lost it again.  However there are differences this time.  First and foremost, I am not starving or feeling deprived.  This is huge as I always dieted before while hanging on by the skin of my teeth.  I am full and fulfilled when I go to bed at night.  Secondly, I have and will continue to use this journey as a chance to get to know myself.  I have never put myself first or thought myself worthy of the attention that I have been giving myself these last few weeks.  I now realize that I deserve to be happy and not living behind the big wall of obesity.  Being overweight has robbed me of so many experiences and I have finally made the choice to work on claiming my life back and living it to the fullest.  I hate that I wasted so many years being sad about this and mad about that.  My new motto is "LOVE LIFE"!!  Here's to milestones, a happy life and introspection!! Check out my recent photos...Til Next Time!

Settling In , the Dreaded 3 Week Stall, & Exercise

Things have been going pretty well. I was instructed by my dietician to get in at least 65 grams of protein per day along with 64oz or more of water as well. I have been hitting the protein target by eating six small meals per day. My meals consist of 2oz of protein in the form of shrimp, fish, chicken, cheese, protein shakes and beans. I have not had any substantial amount of milk since surgery. Ever since eating yogurt and getting sick from it (nauseous and a golf ball sensation in my throat) I have been reluctant to have any milk products. I tried a very small amount of yogurt for second time and it went ok, but I still don't want a repeat of the previous experience. This weekend I plan on getting some greek yogurt and Silk milk to try. I am now on a soft diet and can eat most things except those with hard pieces, nuts, seeds and raw fruits and vegetables. I am cleared to add those things slowly into my diet next week on Thursday. I really feel like I am slowly but surely settling into my new life with my tiny stomach.

Eating is becoming somewhat boring, believe it or not! I loved meat prior to surgery. A meal was not complete if there was no meat!! I never could understand how a dish like macaroni and cheese was considered a main entree as it was meatless. So when I realized that protein was the main food choice with the VSG surgery I knew it was for me. Well, here it comes...I AM SICK OF MEAT, LOL!! I want a salad and some fruit. I can have the fruit (not raw) at this point but only after I have eaten my protein and I just don't have any room in my stomach yet. I am full and satisfied after my 2oz of meat. In terms of hunger, I do experience it but it is easily satisfied with the small portions I eat. Speaking of small portions, I am consuming just under 600 calories per day and I have been the same flippin weight for 15 days!! How is that even possible??... it's called a stall.

I knew to expect the stall around the three week mark from the many posters on the VSG Obesity Help Message Board. That place has been a wealth of information for me and I visit it daily. My body is most likely trying to figure out what the heck I have done to it and adjust to my weight loss up to this point. I consulted my dietician today and she said that stalls and plateaus during weight loss happen and to keep following my plan. My mind comprehends all of the technical information regarding stalls, but it is still frustrating to see the same number on the scale everyday. I went a few days without weighing myself as I was driving myself crazy obsessing over the lack of weight loss. However, of course I pulled out the scale again shortly thereafter. I started exercising in an effort to change things up. I went to the gym and walked for thirty minutes on the treadmill. I was really proud of myself! I was a tad bit shaky and dizzy when I stopped walking.

Overall, exercising is not going too well. I was EXTREMELY sore after the intial work out and had a headache for three days afterward. I don't know if I was having a Rheumatoid Arthritis flare up or if I overdid it. I waited until today to workout for the second time and I got sick again; lightheaded and nauseous. I drank plenty of water afterward and then had a protein snack. I guess I will have to address these issues with the doctor and exercise physiologist at the weight control center. My 6 week follow-up is next week.

My incisions are healing up nicely but itching like crazy! Hydrocortisone cream helps along with making sure my skin stays moisturized. My energy level is slowly returning but I still don't feel 100%. My abdominal muscles are sore by the end of the day, but nothing major. One thing that has changed is my teeth brushing habits. I used to brush twice per day but now I brush several times per day as I have this awful taste in my mouth, which according to the doctor comes from being in Ketosis and losing weight so rapidly. All in all, most of the things I am experiencing are minor and just a normal part of recuperation and my new life with a sleeved stomach.

Emotionally I feel so much better. I was very reliant on food to get me through boredom, tough times and for just plain old enjoyment. I am now trying to discover who I am without the unhealthy dependence on food. I am still journaling and really trying to make time for much needed introspection into my feelings about many past issues and hurts. Overeating allowed me to take brief escapes from those things I didn't want to face or deal with. I realize that it is time to move on and make room for new, happy memories. There is so much life left to live and dwelling on the past is a waste of precious time! Until next time...

It's all about the flavor!

I am so excited that I am now feeling a bit better. I realize that I will have good days and bad days, and that is ok! It appears that some swelling has gone down in my sleeve (new stomach)as I am up to 2 full ounces of food with no discomfort...woohoo!! I am up to about 400 calories per day which includes 2 protein shakes that have 15 grams of protein each. The shakes are 100 calories, lactose free Muscle Milk Shakes. But on to the "good stuff"!

Thanks to advice given to me by a good friend, I am choosing to focus on what I can eat rather than what I can't. Sounds simple enough but I wasn't doing that. I have been focused on what is missing or gone from my meals and that type of thinking will not help me reach my goal. I have been on a mission to be creative with what I choose to eat. One of my favorites is shrimp with a dash of cocktail sauce. I am on the puree stage of my post op eating plan and I made sure with the dietician that shrimp was an acceptable protein choice at this point and it is definitely ok as long as its run through the blender. I simply take two tiger prawn shrimp and puree them with about a teaspoon of cocktail sauce...ahh, seafood heaven!! For those that don't know me well, seafood is my absolute favorite food.

Next I got a big burst of flavor from Progresso Soup's Chicken Tuscany with a teaspoon of sour cream. The soup was rich and bursting with flavor. I know some of you will say "yuck" to my nect favorite, but I have been eating sardines every day; no bones of course. They are very flavorful and I do absolutely nothing to them; I eat them right out of the can! Last but not least are refried beans with a tablespoon of queso cheese or chili with a tablespoon of queso both run through the blender of course; each of these taste like nacho dip...yum!

Flavor is the key! I grew up in a household where my Mom cooked with a lot of spices. Food was always well seasoned, so bland food jsut doesn't work for me. My mission is to create and eat things that are full of flavor and that resemble dishes I loved in the past. I am really going to work on taking the focus away from how much I am eating and turn it to what I am eating in terms of how it is prepared and seasoned. After all, it's all about the flavor!!...til next time

Cry, Cry, Cry!

I promised to share the good, the bad and the ugly. Well, right now I am in the middle of some ugly emotional turmoil. The emotional aspects of having this surgery are not suprising to me but they are much more difficult than I anticipated. First off it is taking me longer to recuperate than I thought. I am still very tired and one of my incisions is still sore. I don't feel like doing much of anything because I just don't have the physical energy. The doctor tells me this is normal but it is still difficult to deal with. Not to be too dramatic, but it feels like I am missing out on alot. I have to remind myself that this is only temporary!

In terms of eating, it is just so hard to wrap my brain around eating 1-2ounces of food. I want to eat and then I sit down to these extremely tiny portions and I feel so abnormal. In other words I am angry that in order to have some control over my food addiction, I have to once again be different than everyone else. What normal person eats 1-2 ounces of food? I have always felt different from others and this is just another way that I am set apart. My choice in how much I eat has been taken away and I am mad about it! I guess I am feeling like "why me", hence my post title "Cry, Cry, Cry". I having been crying all morning. Ultimately I know I made the right decision for myself, but I guess I have to take this emotional journey to accept the situation as it is. I was headed for an early death at the weight I was. I have to take and maintain control of my health! There is no turning back. The larger portion of my stomach is gone and I have to accept that, along with the responsibility for allowing myself to become super morbidly obese in the first place.

I know I will look back on this post and realize that it was necessary for me to cry and to be angry in order to heal and face my fabulous future...til next time!

Serving Spoons and Dancing Tacos

Ok, the last 14 days have taken me on such an emotional roller coaster! Let's start out with the stats...I have lost 25lbs since coming home 10 days ago (I gained 15 in the hospital; they pump alot of fluid into you and air into the abdomen for the surgery). Total I have lost over 32lbs! My winter coat is too big, my favorite pair of jeans are baggy and my jogging clothes are swallowing me up. I had to get new underwear in a size smaller than I used to wear and now my bra is too big. Trust me, I am not complaining one bit! However, I would be lying if I said that my head isn't lagging behind the physical changes that I am experiencing.

When I first came home from the hospital I really and I mean really struggled with what many call "head hunger". I was not physically hungry but my mind was insisting that I was. This was a very strange place to be in. It was so difficult to know that my family was having taco night and I couldn't join them (I had to follow a liquid diet for several days post surgery). On another occasion my Mom sent spaghetti over for dinner and I literally spent 10 or more minutes in the kitchen talking myself out of licking a serving spoon that had spaghetti sauce on it...for the record I have NEVER licked a serving spoon in my life!! It was starting to become real apparent to me how addicted to food I really am. It is like the food had to be taken away from me to get clear insight as to what to do mentally to begin tackling the challenge ahead of me. Things got so difficult from a mental standpoint that I began having dreams about dancing tacos begging me to eat them, LOL!

To help cope with the emotional aspects of this journey I have begun journaling my feelings each day. I also allow myself to just really sit with my feelings...if I need to cry, I cry. Everything gets better with time and I am allowing myself the time I need to better myself. I have spent so much of my life energy thinking about others, what they think and how to keep them happy. All the while neglecting myself, my wants and needs. I am now a priority in my own eyes and I am going to work hard to keep it that way! Last, but definitely not least, prayer and believing that GOD has got my back has gotten me through the last 14 days!!

Currently I am feeling pretty good. I still have some minor pain at the largest incision site and MAJOR fatigue. The fatigue keeps me from feeling like doing much, however I did venture out last night with my husband for a tea at Starbucks and to the grocery store to grab a few items. I am currently on the puree stage of my post op plan. This stage is so much better than the liquid stage as there are more options to choose from. In a couple of weeks I will move to the soft food stage where food choices will more closely resemble a normal diet. I am able to drink fluids comfortably and I have experienced no vomitting, thank you Lord! Overall, I am happy with my choice to be sleeved and I am looking forward to what the future holds!

I did it!!

I am officially sleeved! I had my weight loss surgery on Jan. 5th along with a small hernia repair. I came through the surgery just fine and spent two days in the hospital before being released. The days leading up to surgery were restless. I was nervous and very anxious. I also had periods of feeling sorry for myself in regard to having to resort to surgery to help me get control of my weight..I was sort of feeling like "why me?". Well, obviously I got over those feelings and forged ahead with the surgery.

I woke up in quite a bit of pain. It felt like a hot poker was plunged through my upper left abdomen. The surgeon later explained to me that the pain I was having was most likely from the hernia repair and not the gastrectomy itself. I used my morphine pain pump religiously while I was in the hospital. I also had trouble urinating after the surgery and had to be catheterized a few times before I was able to go on my own. This was attributed to a "sleepy" bladder caused by the anesthesia. The hospital staff was pretty good but I got absolutely no rest there as my vital signs were being checked constantly, which of course is a good thing!

This is my 5th day post op and I have times when I feel ok and others where I feel bloated and sore. I had a horrible case of head hunger last night. My family had taco night but because I am on a full iquid diet for the next 9 days I had to partake in some delicious beef broth...um, NOT! Everything smelled so good, but funny thing was, I wasn't physically hungry at all. The mind is a powerful thing!! I made it through and today is new day. I have been surviving on broth, yogurt, which my tummy doesn't agree with, popsicles, creamed soups and protein drinks. Tea has also been a life saver. I am struggling trying to meet my protein requirements but a family friend (thanks Debra) gave me a good suggestion to help with that. I am going to try a protein smoothie with no sugar added from Topical Smoothie. All in all I am hanging in there..oh yeah I forgot to mention that I have lost 12.8lbs since coming home on Saturday! Till next time...

Turning 40, Thanksgiving, Insurance Approval and a Surgery Date!

Well, it's been a while since I posted and a lot has happened since then.  I am now 40 years old!!!  I celebrated my birthday with two of my best girlfriends; all thanks to my a big surprise from my husband who treated us all to a night on the town.  I am proud to say that I passed on having any of my birthday cake and was pretty content watching my kids enjoy it!  I am not really a big sweet eater anyway, it's pasta, rice and overall portion sizes that are my problem.  I made it through Thanksgiving as well and I am really proud of myself as I did not gain a pound and overall I have lost 17lbs since I started this journey!! 

I went through a rough patch where my appetite seemed to increase overnight.  I had to get really creative about keeping myself busy and not giving in to over eating.  I had a bit more fat and sugar on Thanksgiving than I had been typically eating and I think eating that caused me to start craving carbohydrates again.  I also think that I am going to struggle with hunger around my "time of the month".  Hopefully I will be more social and more active as I continue to lose weight, thereby giving me something else to focus on besides eating.  Thanks to the new, tiny stomach I'll have, eating smaller portions won't be a problem!!  I experienced my first weight loss stall for about 5 days, but sure enough I started back on the losing track with no problems at all.  I am definitely starting to notice a difference in my clothes and how they fit.  My bra is too big now and a couple pair of my pants have room around the waist.  My family has mentioned that they notice a difference as well.  I have been doing well on my own and I would be fibbing if I said that I didn't consider continuing on my current plan and not having surgery, but after much thought and prayer, I realize that surgery is necessary for me to maintain a healthy weight.  I have been able to lose weight in the past; significant amounts of weight.  However, I have NEVER been successful in keeping it off.  God has been good and everything has fallen into line perfectly to lead me to where I am now.

I met with my surgeon a week and a half ago and I got the call this morning that my insurance approved the surgery and I am scheduled for January 5th, 2012, which is right around the corner!  I have a lot to do to prepare in terms of grocery shopping for the items I will need for the full liquid and puree stage of my post-op diet as well as getting things organized so my husband doesn't want to jump ship (hahaha).  I also have to purchase my vitamins and protein supplements.  If there are no complications, my expected hospital stay is just 1 night...that is unbelievable to me.  I am hoping for 2 nights because I don't deal with pain very well; I am definitely a chicken when it comes to pain!  I had my surgery nutrition instruction so I am all set in regard to what I should be consuming directly after surgery and what my nutritional requirements are in order to stay hydrated and heal properly.

I am excited, nervous and grateful all at the same time.  There are so many things in life that I have missed out on that normal weight people take for granted.  There has been so much anxiety and worry that has gone into thinking about how I could become a healthier person by losing weight and for once in my adult life I feel a real sense of hope that I am on my way to a more active, healthy and enjoyable lifestyle!  Till next time...